A Whole New World

My life has changed forever.
I am engaged. I am engaged to the love of my life, Shawn.

I just can't believe it. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be lucky enough to have him. He chose ME to be his wife! I am deeply honoured.

A New Year, A New Religion, And The Pointlessness of Prom

So, it has been a LONG time since I last posted. Like a LONG ASS time.

So, recently I have decided I am agnostic for a number of reasons; these reasons I am not exactly ready to share with the world as they are of a sensitive nature. But, I do know there is some sort of god out there.. I just don't think it's this "Jesus" Christians talk about. A God that cannot keep his promises and yet claims he is without fault is a liar, and I don't waste my time with liars.

On a lighter note....

Prom is coming up. And I laugh at all the losers who think it is actually a big deal.

I mean SERIOUSLY. At my school, you pay $65 PER TICKET. So if you have a date, it's $130 for the tickets alone. Then, you gotta buy a dress or a tux or whatever. That is, if you're lucky, at least $50 dollars for the both of you, so that's $230. Then there is dinner! Can't forget that. Now if you decide to have dinner at one person's house, that's different, but let's say you are gonna splurge and eat out. Most likely you are gonna pick a really nice place to eat, right? I mean, you don't wanna walk into McDonalds all gussied up like that. So you are probably gonna pay around $40 for dinner. Now you are up to $270. Next you have to get TO Prom. Most likely you are gonna drive, and that costs gas. Our Prom is in Seattle this year in the Colombia Tower, and the school is in Stanwood. That's an additional $40 in gas alone. And that's one way! So you are talking more like $80. So that racks up the total to $350. And then who is gonna drive back to Stanwood at midnight when it ends? No one with common sense. So you need a hotel room. Now you're talking, if you are lucky, $90. Now it's up to $440.And then you gotta eat the next morning. If you go to McDonalds, thats an additional $10; if not, it can be as expensive as $25. We'll go with that figure; now your grand total is $465. For ONE DATE. Do you see the rationale for that kind of splurge spending? I don't. My family has never had a lot of money, so I cannot justify spending that much money on one dance. It's just a dance. That's all. People may say it isn't, but what makes it any different from Homecoming or Tolo? The exclusivity from the underclassmen for sure, and then a fancy location. It's really just a stupid excuse to spend money. With the $465, I could have many dates, a lot more memories, and I will have spent my money a lot more wisely. Even if you eliminate the cost of everything besides the tickets, I still can't justify $130, and I would never let a guy spend that much money on me. Prom is a waste of time and money and is overhyped. How about we spend this energy we spend on Prom on something more worthy? 

As for me, I am having an anti- Prom. Just me, my snacks, my VCR, and VHS versions of my favorite Disney movies. Awwwww yeeeaaahhhhhh.

I Hurt... So Much...

I just don't understand myself sometimes.
I set myself up for hurt. AGAIN.
God DAMN, why do I have to be so stupid?!
I fell for MIKE. Of ALL PEOPLE I had to pick Mike. He was with Nichelle! One of my dearest friends.
I'm a sick, sick individual.
I just got through saying I had given up. AND WHAT DO I DO?! I fucking fall for someone else! I am DISGUSTED with my weakness.
Yeah, I loved Mike. But even though he and Nichelle had broken up, he still loves her. And he says it would be strange being with me because of my age.
GOD. I am SO SICK of this.
EVERY FUCKING TIME!
God DAMN.
I hate myself. I really do.

School, Lunch, and A Whole Lotta Other Shit: Part Two

So... now that the first day of school (and the second) has come and gone, things seem to be looking MUCH, much better.
My schedule:

1st Period: Acting 1&2 with Mr. Sims.
2nd Period: Chamber Choir with Mr. Ronning.
3rd Period: AP (Advanced Placement) US History with Mr. Hanna.
4th Period: Advanced Culinary Arts with Ms. Merrit.
5th Period: AP English 11 with Mrs. Niermeyer.
6th Period: Animal Science with Mr. Carlson.

I am very pleased with my schedule thus far. Especially 1st and 2nd Period.
I LOVE Chamber Choir. LOVE it. I am deeply passionate about singing, and singing with a group again is simply enthralling. On Friday, we were working on a song called "Ipharadici", the African Freedom song. I almost CRIED, we sounded so good. I couldn't stop smiling and beaming, I was so happy. What I felt was pure, unadulterated JOY.
It was the first time I had felt joy in many months, and it was odd to feel it again. Kind of how it feels to be an invalid for a long time and to feel the wind on your face after becoming well, only much, much stronger.
I cannot wait until this long weekend is over. It's pointless as a white crayon. :P

School, Second Lunch, and A Whole Lotta Other Shit.

Okay, so.... school starts the day after tomorrow.
And Hayley, Spencer, Mike, Nichelle, AND Becky ALL HAVE FIRST LUNCH.
BUGGER.
I am going to have to be the loner homeschooled outcast again... the new girl. It's gonna suck.
I mean, lunch time was the time I got to hang out with everyone and de-stress. Just talk about stuff. I don't have classes with any of them, and I almost feel like we might all drift apart because of it..... grrrrr.
On top of that, my stupid schedule isn't gonna be changed until the first day of school... great.

Fuck Love... What's The Point of It?

Another day of deep thought...
I really do that too much. I think WAY more than I should, and someday I am sure I will be the one to do myself in.
Love in general has just become less and less real to me. To the point where I have begun trying to become asexual. It's just... Easier. And eliminates a hell of a lot of stress. I just can no longer wait around, sacrificing the last of my sanity and my will to live on something that, in the end, won't even exist. Love in that degree (that is, a romantic one)is meaningless. Just a way to make life on this pathetic spinning ball of dirt and rock more "pleasant", when in reality it just gets you hurt and fucked.

Battle of the Broken Soul (Original Song)

My sweet angel
Fighting for me
Fighting for me

My Greek god is
Fighting for me
Fighting for me

He waits for you to come out of hiding
He waits for the darkness to leave
He waits to carry out the revenge
He waits to see you weep

My love for you ran blood red once
Then cooled to phantom blue
The blackness hardened my heart at last
Hardened it from you

My angel, my salvation
My savior, my friend
Shall conquer you, abolish you
Salughter you in the end
The blood shall pour forth from your viens
As it did from me
When my angels sword fights
You shall see,
You can't win over me.

Why I ever called you mine?
Oh, a foolish child I was
Freshly plucked from my vine
You thought I bore a lushious fruit.

But hidden beneath my tender leaves
Thorns would flock to hide.
Now your fingers, they shall bleed
For the crime that they committed.

My angel, my salvation,
My savior, my friend,
Shall conquer you, abolish you
Slaughter you in the end
The blood shall pour forth from your viens
As it did from me
You shall see
You can't win over me.

My Greek God, my deliverer
My lover, my protector
Shall kill your soul forever
As you did to mine
The phantoms shall come forth to me
I shall slay them one by one
When you come
You shall know... I have won.

Mint Chip Ice Cream Gum!

Yeah, I don't even know.
Today was pretty okay. Was going to hang out with Wesley and Michael, but Michael's Grandma decided to force chores upon him, so... yeah. I won't see them until Thursday.
You know, I have been thinking deeply for most of the day on the validity of true love, mainly because so many of my friends think me foolish for giving up on love in general, as well as denying the existence of true love.
It's funny though. The only friends who have tried to talk me out of such a belief are those of my friends who have a significant other. Of COURSE they would say that it exists, for they seriously believe that they are experiencing it. Very few of my single friends will disagree with my findings. So that only enforces these new beliefs.
Lindsey tried to pull the whole "God is love." thing on me. Quite frankly, I DON'T CARE. There are different kinds of love. True love, the kind they speak of in faerie tales, doesn't exist in my opinion.
As I have told many, it is not that I am closed minded to the idea of it being real. I have just been proven to over and over and over that it must not exist. That or people just don't seek it out anymore. Or perhaps true love once did exist, but modern people cannot find it due to the corruption in our society.
If anyone out there can prove to me that it exists, I shall believe.
But until then... it is a faerie tale. A myth.

A Good Day....

1:38 AM.
Lately I find that I prefer to stay up late and wake up late. I seem to think better around this time of night.
Yesterday (as it is in the morning now), I spent the entire day at William's. I got there at noon, and walked in the door to my house at Midnight exactly.
Whenever I go to William's, he and I end up doing the most random things... I watched him edit some pictures and make them funny (yes, he was baked off his ass), we sat for a good hour and drew pictures, we went to the beach and took nature shots with his camera (as well as a beast picture of him standing with his staff), and went to the abandoned house near where I live. When it got dark, we tossed gasoline onto the burn pile and had a bonfire.
At some point we began to tease each other, and pushing each other around. Suddenly, he took my face in his hands and kissed me.
We spent the rest of the evening in front of the fire, cuddling and stealing a few kisses now and again. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
But.
How much longer is it going to be before he loses interest? Everyone else does.
Sigh... I wish I didn't trust people at all sometimes.

Fucking A.....

God.
My stomach muscles are all in knots and tangles. It HURRRRTTTTSSSSS.
Ah well.
Not sure how to describe what is going on, so I suppose I should just spit out the newest change in my life: I no longer believe in True Love.
Yeah, a lot of people have gotten extremely pissed at me for that. I don't get why. I mean, it is kind of obvious that it doesn't exist anymore. People cheat, people's marriages break, relationships rarely last more than three months to two years. People are so insensitive to others now. I just don't think it CAN exist. Mostly because of the heartbreaks.
The first one came after camp in September 2009. Michael Clark, one of my best friends, broke my heart. And badly. I wanted to kill myself because I thought that he was the one. I began to heal after a while, with the aid of Stuart Erickson, whom I really got to know that same year. By March 2010, he and I were dating. And by mid May, we were over. The breakup was messy and awful, and not only did it leave it's own bloody wounds, it opened up the ones from Michael too.
Then came THE ONE. Shawn Fowler. A god in his own right. I loved him with every fibre of my being. I surrendered my body to him one night, and within months, he left me too. July 17th was that dark day.
Wesley came into the picture. He seemed so wonderful. I began to fall in love with him.
And then he told me "I want to focus on my relationship with God." I know that it was a line. He didn't want me. I know he did not intend to hurt me like he did... but nevertheless, I was kicked while I was already down. And that was the heartbreak that ripped me apart. All of the wounds from the last 3 heartbreaks were ripped apart again, worse than ever.
It's been three weeks. I am not healing.
There are a million other things that come into play too, one of them is the fact that I have never been allowed to express my anger fully.
Mom and Dad have always demanded that I be respectful and rational when I am angry, or not to express my anger at all, for my anger disrupted the rest of the family and no one wanted to hear it. Since it is impossible for me to be rational and respectful when I am angry, I have been forced to bottle it up.
As the stress from this last school year began to pile up, all of the 17 years of frustration began to come out. People began to judge me, saying that I had a good life and I shouldn't be complaining. When the simple fact is, I couldn't take it anymore! I was suffering inside and no one cared, or cares, enough to figure out the whole story. They just JUDGE. And it REALLY pisses me off.
If only they knew what was really going on...