This is where I tell the truth. This is where you can know the real me. Really KNOW. Don't judge me. Don't tell me to stop swearing and be more politically correct or more gentle or whatever. What you see is what you get. You have been warned.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

School, Second Lunch, and A Whole Lotta Other Shit.

Okay, so.... school starts the day after tomorrow.
And Hayley, Spencer, Mike, Nichelle, AND Becky ALL HAVE FIRST LUNCH.
BUGGER.
I am going to have to be the loner homeschooled outcast again... the new girl. It's gonna suck.
I mean, lunch time was the time I got to hang out with everyone and de-stress. Just talk about stuff. I don't have classes with any of them, and I almost feel like we might all drift apart because of it..... grrrrr.
On top of that, my stupid schedule isn't gonna be changed until the first day of school... great.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Fuck Love... What's The Point of It?

Another day of deep thought...
I really do that too much. I think WAY more than I should, and someday I am sure I will be the one to do myself in.
Love in general has just become less and less real to me. To the point where I have begun trying to become asexual. It's just... Easier. And eliminates a hell of a lot of stress. I just can no longer wait around, sacrificing the last of my sanity and my will to live on something that, in the end, won't even exist. Love in that degree (that is, a romantic one)is meaningless. Just a way to make life on this pathetic spinning ball of dirt and rock more "pleasant", when in reality it just gets you hurt and fucked.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Battle of the Broken Soul (Original Song)

My sweet angel
Fighting for me
Fighting for me

My Greek god is
Fighting for me
Fighting for me

He waits for you to come out of hiding
He waits for the darkness to leave
He waits to carry out the revenge
He waits to see you weep

My love for you ran blood red once
Then cooled to phantom blue
The blackness hardened my heart at last
Hardened it from you

My angel, my salvation
My savior, my friend
Shall conquer you, abolish you
Salughter you in the end
The blood shall pour forth from your viens
As it did from me
When my angels sword fights
You shall see,
You can't win over me.

Why I ever called you mine?
Oh, a foolish child I was
Freshly plucked from my vine
You thought I bore a lushious fruit.

But hidden beneath my tender leaves
Thorns would flock to hide.
Now your fingers, they shall bleed
For the crime that they committed.

My angel, my salvation,
My savior, my friend,
Shall conquer you, abolish you
Slaughter you in the end
The blood shall pour forth from your viens
As it did from me
You shall see
You can't win over me.

My Greek God, my deliverer
My lover, my protector
Shall kill your soul forever
As you did to mine
The phantoms shall come forth to me
I shall slay them one by one
When you come
You shall know... I have won.

Mint Chip Ice Cream Gum!

Yeah, I don't even know.
Today was pretty okay. Was going to hang out with Wesley and Michael, but Michael's Grandma decided to force chores upon him, so... yeah. I won't see them until Thursday.
You know, I have been thinking deeply for most of the day on the validity of true love, mainly because so many of my friends think me foolish for giving up on love in general, as well as denying the existence of true love.
It's funny though. The only friends who have tried to talk me out of such a belief are those of my friends who have a significant other. Of COURSE they would say that it exists, for they seriously believe that they are experiencing it. Very few of my single friends will disagree with my findings. So that only enforces these new beliefs.
Lindsey tried to pull the whole "God is love." thing on me. Quite frankly, I DON'T CARE. There are different kinds of love. True love, the kind they speak of in faerie tales, doesn't exist in my opinion.
As I have told many, it is not that I am closed minded to the idea of it being real. I have just been proven to over and over and over that it must not exist. That or people just don't seek it out anymore. Or perhaps true love once did exist, but modern people cannot find it due to the corruption in our society.
If anyone out there can prove to me that it exists, I shall believe.
But until then... it is a faerie tale. A myth.

A Good Day....

1:38 AM.
Lately I find that I prefer to stay up late and wake up late. I seem to think better around this time of night.
Yesterday (as it is in the morning now), I spent the entire day at William's. I got there at noon, and walked in the door to my house at Midnight exactly.
Whenever I go to William's, he and I end up doing the most random things... I watched him edit some pictures and make them funny (yes, he was baked off his ass), we sat for a good hour and drew pictures, we went to the beach and took nature shots with his camera (as well as a beast picture of him standing with his staff), and went to the abandoned house near where I live. When it got dark, we tossed gasoline onto the burn pile and had a bonfire.
At some point we began to tease each other, and pushing each other around. Suddenly, he took my face in his hands and kissed me.
We spent the rest of the evening in front of the fire, cuddling and stealing a few kisses now and again. It was wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
But.
How much longer is it going to be before he loses interest? Everyone else does.
Sigh... I wish I didn't trust people at all sometimes.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Fucking A.....

God.
My stomach muscles are all in knots and tangles. It HURRRRTTTTSSSSS.
Ah well.
Not sure how to describe what is going on, so I suppose I should just spit out the newest change in my life: I no longer believe in True Love.
Yeah, a lot of people have gotten extremely pissed at me for that. I don't get why. I mean, it is kind of obvious that it doesn't exist anymore. People cheat, people's marriages break, relationships rarely last more than three months to two years. People are so insensitive to others now. I just don't think it CAN exist. Mostly because of the heartbreaks.
The first one came after camp in September 2009. Michael Clark, one of my best friends, broke my heart. And badly. I wanted to kill myself because I thought that he was the one. I began to heal after a while, with the aid of Stuart Erickson, whom I really got to know that same year. By March 2010, he and I were dating. And by mid May, we were over. The breakup was messy and awful, and not only did it leave it's own bloody wounds, it opened up the ones from Michael too.
Then came THE ONE. Shawn Fowler. A god in his own right. I loved him with every fibre of my being. I surrendered my body to him one night, and within months, he left me too. July 17th was that dark day.
Wesley came into the picture. He seemed so wonderful. I began to fall in love with him.
And then he told me "I want to focus on my relationship with God." I know that it was a line. He didn't want me. I know he did not intend to hurt me like he did... but nevertheless, I was kicked while I was already down. And that was the heartbreak that ripped me apart. All of the wounds from the last 3 heartbreaks were ripped apart again, worse than ever.
It's been three weeks. I am not healing.
There are a million other things that come into play too, one of them is the fact that I have never been allowed to express my anger fully.
Mom and Dad have always demanded that I be respectful and rational when I am angry, or not to express my anger at all, for my anger disrupted the rest of the family and no one wanted to hear it. Since it is impossible for me to be rational and respectful when I am angry, I have been forced to bottle it up.
As the stress from this last school year began to pile up, all of the 17 years of frustration began to come out. People began to judge me, saying that I had a good life and I shouldn't be complaining. When the simple fact is, I couldn't take it anymore! I was suffering inside and no one cared, or cares, enough to figure out the whole story. They just JUDGE. And it REALLY pisses me off.
If only they knew what was really going on...

Monday, August 01, 2011

The Day in the Life of a Freak

M'kay, so camp is coming up.
I was freaking out all day long today because of that, and I feel like such a girl when I have random bursts of excitable energy because of it. :P
Sooooooo, in other news. Gonna help Hayley babysit her little sisters. 
Alisa: 14 years old; major cool in every way. I wish I was that cool at her age. :P
Meagan: 10 years old. Sweet little girl, kinda quiet. Enjoys dancing.
PJ: Short for Patricia. 8 years old. Loves to sing, and does it well. Wants me to train her in opera.
Annnnddddd that's it. 
Can't wait for Wednesday when I get to see Nichelle! :D
So, shit has gone DOWN.
Hayley and I are friends again, and Spencer and I are friends again too.
Life. Is. AWESOME.
Although... I will say that there are some problems that still have yet to be solved. I mean, Shawn is definitely the biggest issue.
I love him with all my heart but he doesn't.... really.... see it. It bothers me that he doesn't love me... but he needs a friend right now. I want to be there for him, and I shall. I will be the friend he never had; one that shall keep him accountable.
And in other news....
Stephen and I have been getting closer. I like him... a lot. He is good looking, smart, charming, virtuoso extraordinaire... and yet he is only 14! I feel like I shouldn't date him because of his age, being only two months older than my brother... what to do....